For our wedding hubby and I decided to not invite partners that we didn’t know. This didn’t seem like a big deal because it was our wedding and if we hadn’t met them then in theory they can’t have been going out for that long, and what do they care if they come to our wedding or not. Right? Wrong.
We had three people ask to bring their partners. My uncle wanted to bring his “lady friend”, we said no, if we make exceptions for people then we have to do it for everyone and before you know it, 70 guests becomes 100. I know I said three people, not thirty people asked but we didn’t know how many people would ask in the end. In response to this decision he didn’t want to come to the wedding and my Nan (my dad’s mum) said if my uncle didn’t come then she wouldn’t. My response was “If she’s going to be so selfish and lame she can have nothing more to do with us, that’s fine.” Could also be read as “What kind of a bitch wouldn’t come to her granddaughter’s wedding? That is not okay at all.” I think by the time the wedding came around he wasn’t even seeing his lady friend any more. Nan, Pop and my uncle all came.
My cousin had been going out with a guy for some time and wanted him to come. Part of me wanted him to come too but we’d never met him. In fact even when asked directly my cousin didn’t feel the need to confirm that this relationship was happening for many months after it started. The level of distrust and lies about the men in her life has made me extremely upset at times, as if by telling me the truth I would lose respect for her and stop loving her. Whatever the truth is, the fact that people feel the need to lie is going to cause loss of respect and love a lot more than the truth, even if it is slower because it takes a while to figure out someone is lying to you. That is slightly beside the point, we said no. Later I met him at her birthday party, I couldn’t figure out why we couldn’t have met him before then.
Then my bridesmaid wanted to bring her boyfriend. They’d been going out for about three months, I had met him briefly, once. This was the most difficult to say no to. Why? Because she said that she wouldn’t come to the wedding without him. After saying that sentence she rephrased it to she would come to the church (where he was more than welcome to come) but not to the reception. She was making noises about how Adam, hubby’s brother and the groomsman she was paired with, wouldn’t speak to her (he’s shy). I tried to tell her that she wouldn’t even get to sit with her boyfriend and that she didn’t even have to sit next to Adam, she’d be in between the other girls. She wouldn’t listen though. All this was after she had chosen the bridesmaid dresses because she was so picky and so concerned about her thighs looking fat. I thought it was fair enough that they have something they like because they were paying for them, I doubt they’ve ever worn them again though.
Having known her for six or seven years (at the time) I knew her personality pretty well. She is insecure, she always was. I simply thought that she was being insecure in saying that she wouldn’t come without him. So after much um-ing and ah-ing I decided to write her an email. I didn’t have time to write a letter and post it, it would have taken too long to get to her. I decided not to call her on the phone because I thought that if I did that I wouldn’t be able to say the things that I really wanted to say. So I told her that he couldn’t come because we had decided not to invite partners that we didn’t know. I told her that it had hurt me that she’d said she wouldn’t come and that I thought that after six years of friendship she would have been happy enough to come to a wedding and leave her attachment behind for a few hours. These weren’t my exact words but they were something to that effect.
The next thing I knew is that I arrived at her grandmother’s place where my hens night was starting off before we headed into the city. She was nowhere to be seen. Amy told me that she was pretty upset and that she wasn’t coming. She’d gone out with her boyfriend. She turned up later while we were in the city, with her boyfriend, at my hens night. She said something like “If you don’t know what’s wrong then that’s your problem.” I told her that I’m not a mind reader and if she didn’t want to tell me what’s wrong then it’s her problem. She said something about “email… not even a phone call…” So I was left there wondering if all of this was over the form of communication I’d used, which evidently she found cheap. One of my friends grabbed me and shook me by the shoulders telling me that she was my friend and I should go after her, I replied that evidently she wasn’t a very good friend but I went after her anyway. At some point she accused me of saying that she’d put her boyfriend above me and that I had no idea how much work she’d put into the hens night. I could see how much work she had put in and I was appalled that she thought I’d said she’d put her boyfriend above me. I was accusing her of being insecure, nothing more. She refused to listen to me and two weeks later she refused to come to the wedding despite my efforts up until the night before of trying to convince her that it was a misunderstanding and she should just come.
The reception place did an excellent job of removing the place at the bridal table before we went in. It didn’t even look like anything was missing because my dress took up so much space!
The stupid thing is I wouldn’t have cared if at some point she’d put her boyfriend before me because it happens. Some people say “mated before dates” but I think that these men whether they be boyfriends, fiances or husbands, they have a role in our life that no girlfriend can fulfill. It doesn’t mean that those without men have a whole in their life although I’m sure some feel like they do. It just didn’t matter to me that much, I just thought it was stupid that she wouldn’t come to my wedding. I also didn’t think that her boyfriend would have wanted to come because he didn’t know anyone and wouldnt have been able to sit with her. Later she said to me that he had wanted to come because she was so excited about it and that’s why she’d pushed the issue. Great! So why didn’t she just say that in the first place?!
I didn’t have any contact with her until six months later when I sent her a letter saying that I missed her friendship. Then I saw her at a city outing for Amy’s birthday. I continued for the rest of the year to try to get the three of us (Lauren, Amy and myself) out to dinner but it was never convenient for her. I saw her once this year when our friend Sam was up from Canberra and we went out for coffee.
Then I got a message about meeting up to talk about speeches for Amy’s 21st. I said that it would be fine and for her to tell me when she was available. I didn’t mention the movie I was making at that point because I wanted to hear what her ideas were and I wasn’t sure, given our lack of contact, if I wanted to do a joint thing. I didn’t hear from her so I sent her a message. She was sick but said she should be okay to meet on Friday (the day before the party). So I said okay. On Thursday she said she’d be too sick to meet so I told her about the movie and said I’d made the longer movie but I was still going to make a shorter one for a speech so she could be a part of that if she wanted. She flew off the handle saying that I’d gone and done my own thing blah blah blah. I was so upset. I cried for hours. The tone of her message was so horrible, I didn’t even want to make the movie any more, I didn’t want her to see it and be a bitch about it. Hubby came home and tried to calm me down. He read the messages and said that she might not have been trying to be nasty and I was reading too much into it and that she might have read into mine things that weren’t there. So I sent her a message that he proof read to make sure there was nothing that could seem narky. It was okay after that despite me being a little afraid to see her at the party.
When I got to the party I would have had to go out of my way to say hi to her, so I didn’t. I’m just a big wuss. She came up to me later, after we had both been mingling and said “Hi.” with a smile so I was very relieved and she said that Amy’s dad had a speech so I could go after him and she would make a toast at the end. She had made a great “A-Z of Amy” for the wall, it was very clever. It had photos on there from the past couple of years. I don’t really have any photos of Amy since the wedding. Anyway, we chatted a bit during the rest of the night. It was a fantastic party and I guess that we’re sort of friends again.
Mags says
I’m sorry your “friend” is such a “B*&^$”. At least that is how she sounds to me.
I had a similar problem when I got married, except that we decided not to invite children. My family has TONS of kids and it would have been way too much money. Mostly everyone understood, but my Godfather didn’t. He wasn’t going to come to the wedding but my grandmother yelled at him. He ended up coming to the church in jeans with his kids in tow and left before saying much to me.
As for the couples, I understand why you did it, but I wouldn’t have done that. Only b/c I would hate to have to go to a wedding alone and Mr. CM is very shy and hasn’t met a lot of people I know. It would suck royally to have to sit at the “singles” table with strangers, not being able to dance etc…